Senior Citizens Humor, Just For Laughs, Remember When? Part2
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Interstate. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells,"You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?"The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,
"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they’re paying their own way!" Jim 03/02/2009
When ever I feel blue, I start breathing again! Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out! As a senior citizen, your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals and dying of nothing! 
Down at the retirement center an 80 year old woman bursts into the rec room and holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" The old woman thinks for a minute and says, "Close enough.!
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a car at a stop light. Glancing over at the car in the next lane he was shocked to see a little old lady sitting behind the wheel knitting away. The officer turned on his lights and rolled down his window and yelled to the old woman, "Pull over!" The old woman shook her head no and yelled back,
"No Sir, it's a scarf!" The light changed and she drove away. 
Words for Women to Live By!!1. Aspire to be Barbie - she has everything. 2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color. 3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila. 4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls! 5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days). 6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it. 7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality. 8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here. 9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. 10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny. 11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka. 12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bull! 13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest. 14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble. 15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong. 'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there' 'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'. Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hang over, or just suffering from life , or just any old reason, that might need a reason to smile! Where was the proof-reader?
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
* Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
(This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.)
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
*
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers! (Now that's taking things a bit far!) * Miners Refuse to Work after Death *
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works any better than a fair trial!) *
War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!) *
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya think?!)
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought!)
*
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
*
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge (He probably IS the battery charge!)
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Weren't they fat enough?!) * Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (That's what he gets for eating those beans!) *
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!)
* And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Did I read that right?) * Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... **************************************************************** My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust". And that's how the fight started...... ***************************************************************** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment..' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started..... ***************************************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale. And that's how the fight started..... **************************************************************** I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.... ***************************************************************** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started........ ***************************************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.. So, I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started..... ***************************************************************** I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started...... ***************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started..... ***************************************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.......
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